my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
