i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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