I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
