You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
