I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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