i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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