My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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