i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
