she woke up with a sticky ear
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
