I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
