Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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