im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
