There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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