my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It all started with a game of naked twister.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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