Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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