Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
