I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
