In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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