I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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