Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
