I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
