I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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