WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I met the friendliest cop last night
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
