On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We got so high we made milksteak
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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