He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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