Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
