He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
