He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
