I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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