my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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