I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Randomize
