3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
