if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
