Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
