The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
