The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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