Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
