I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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