Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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