Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
