i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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