I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We're not piercing ourselves today.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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