I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
