I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize