I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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