i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
