drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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