my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
