If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
