the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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