so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
