Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
did i walk over a car last night?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize