My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
