I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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