Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
love makes seman taste better
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
