I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
