she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
