Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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