shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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