you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
