Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
