i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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